Life has always felt like one struggle after the other for me. The best way I can describe it, is it has felt like I have been stumbling around a dark house with no windows, trying to feel my way around for the light switch. I know every room has one, it’s just a matter of finding it. For many years of my life, I camped out in my own dark house, accepting the defeat of not finding the light switch. Some years, I was so weak and beaten up, I didn’t have the strength any more to look, and the idea of giving up and dying felt more appealing than spending another day trying to fight to find it. It really wasn’t until my son, Skye was born that he became more important to me than even the most valid reasons I had within myself to give up. When I held him in my arms, I felt a love I had never experienced before. And suddenly, no longer was it a desire, but it was a demand that I must find the light, because I knew that I was all this little life in my arms had. I also knew, if I didn’t hurry up and find the light for myself, that he would live inside of a dark house too. And the thought of that to me, was terrifying. Although I still felt like a prisoner, I was determined this time, more than ever, to find the light, no matter what it took, no matter what it cost, no matter how ridiculous I looked, because I didn’t want him to ever think it was acceptable to live inside of a dark house. I knew, if I didn’t know the light for myself, then I wouldn’t be able to introduce him to it either.
The Light Switch…
Around the time Skye was born, I had found the light switch, I just hadn’t realized it yet. I had joined a prophetic team online and I would practice praying for people I had never met, and knew nothing about. I would practice getting still, and listening to God to find out what he wanted to tell other people. I would pray for people and literally be in another place, as I was seeing the most profound images of things I had never seen before on earth. I would see parts of heaven that would take my breath away, I saw angels, people I had never met before, I saw Jesus. I would see things that were happening in people’s lives on earth or things that were about to happen to them, I would see parts of people’s bodies the Lord was healing or diseases people had that he wanted to heal. The Lord would tell me his thoughts for someone or I would get to feel God’s heart for that person. I spent hours doing this daily. It was so exciting, and the feedback I was receiving was astounding to me. People would write back explaining to me how there’s no way I could have known what I wrote unless the Lord had shown me. They would tell me how the word I gave them had happened to them or happened later, or how it related to them or how it described the dreams they carried in their hearts, some people were very emotional, and others were getting healed. It really moved me seeing the impact it was having on people. The only problem was, I was still sitting in a dark house and it wasn’t just dark, it was haunted.
I was hiding in dark rooms with the tormenting voices of shame, fear, grief, sorrow, guilt and regret harassing me all day long. My life was busy, but painfully lonely. I was exhausted, and so broken beyond recognition inside. I had been living in this dark house for so long, that most of it felt normal, like it was part of me. That is, until I flipped the light switch and began seeing that all these tormenting voices were not part of me at all. I was being bullied by allusions that kept me distracted from knowing who I really was. And in my ignorance, they robbed me of my joy, my gifts, my peace, my energy, my dreams, my true self and they stole my relationships. But they could not discern or comprehend what the light was about to do in my life. All they knew, was that they were terrified of the light and their job was to try and keep me from it.
Finding the Light…
One week I remember, I was feeling so overwhelmed. I was carrying so much anxiety, which wasn’t uncommon to me at the time, but this week in particular, as each day went by, the pressure got more and more intense. I was even having trouble breathing. I really didn’t have time to myself; I was a single, full time mom, working part time as a nanny, and running a business from home. I had so many needs inside and out that weren’t being met. I tried talking with a girl friend and no matter what I did, I couldn’t shake off the anxiety that kept piling up inside. It was getting to the point where it was feeling beyond what I could handle.
My closet has always been my place of safety. My whole life, it was my one go to place to get away from everyone. So one evening, at the end of that week, I put Skye to bed early and I went into my closet and sat on the floor. I remember feeling mad at God, it felt like his fault that I was feeling all this anxiety. In the midst of the heaviness, I felt abandoned by him. I went into my closet feeling angry and decided I was going to be real and tell him about it. I leaned my back against the wall and I said, “Jesus, I’ve seen you. I see you all the time when I pray for other people. I hear your voice. I see things in heaven. I have spent all these hours talking to you! Why won’t you have a conversation with me?! I’m going to sit here, and I’m not getting up until you talk to me about my life.” I sat there with my arms folded tight and my eyes closed, I felt so much anger. I sat there staring at my eye lids and I waited and waited. I don’t know how long it was. Maybe a minute or 2, maybe 5. And then the moment came. I saw Jesus’ hand holding a large key ring with skeleton keys on it and in the background I saw a long hallway of doors in what looked like a large palace. I heard Jesus very clearly, and gently say, “You have too many doors open that need to be closed in order for me to open the doors you want open in your life.” This was the beginning of an encounter that lasted over an hour…
In my next blog, I will share parts of what happened in this encounter and how my life has completely transformed sense that day that I finally began to establish a real relationship and life long conversation with the Lord. See Part 2.
Thanks for sharing Kate.