PT2: Finding the Light in a Dark House
[[If you have not read Part I, Click here.]]
When I was a little girl, I remember connecting with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. I would lay outside in the grass, look up at the endless sky, and I felt like I was in the clouds with Jesus, inside of God. I felt Holy Spirit all around me. The breeze would gently brush against my face and it felt like he had gently kissed my cheek. That was the Jesus I wanted to find again. The one who was my best friend when I was a little girl. But as I got a little older, the contrast of the darkness I had encountered over the years had told me differently. My power had seemingly been stolen from me at a young age, and left me with no lights in my house. After enough years in the dark, I began to believe the lies I was hearing in the dark spaces at night. I started to conclude that this God was not the nice, loving God we sang about in church, but I felt abandoned by him. When I began to accept these lies as my reality, I began boarding up the windows in my house and one by one, I shut Jesus out of every room. All that was left was a tiny shimmer of light the size of a speck of glitter, peaking between the boards over one of my windows. I was not only a victim to what had been done to me, but I was a victim to my own judgments against God. After years of sitting in the dark, I began circling back around to this Jesus I once knew as a child. And that is exactly who I found in this encounter and all the others that followed. I reunited with my first love, but this time, as an adult.
In Part I, we left off right at the beginning of an encounter I was having with the Lord in my closet where he said, “You have too many doors open that must be closed in order for me to open the doors you want open in your life.” He had taken me down a hallway and revealed to me how I was blinded to 3 doors of opportunities (for time’s sake, I will go into that at a later date).
We began walking down a different hallway. I heard his keys on his key ring but I couldn’t see him. This hallway was carpet and I had the sense we were on the bottom level. I saw huge glass windows and outside were beautiful, lush green trees and a stream below. I said, “Jesus, where are you?” He said “My Spirit is right behind you.” The hallway was long and the walls turned into an ugly old cream color. We rounded the corner and were now standing in the dark. I said, “Lord, I can’t see.” He said, “That’s because you’re standing in the dark.” All of the sudden, a small square door on the floor opened up like a trap door and I fell down into the basement, which was a dark sewer. There was waste and water I was standing in. I said “Lord, why are we down here?” There were small windows at the top of the walls. I imagined if I could smell in the moment, it would have been unbearable. The Lord said, “You don’t belong down here and neither do I.” Then I saw his Spirit in the shape of his figure, go up a metal ladder towards the door I fell from. I began to follow him but then stepped back down into the sewage. I said, “Wait, why did you take me down here?” I saw him step back down and pick me up. For a moment I could see him holding me and I realized I was now a child. I looked like I was age 3 and I was wearing a white dress. He took me back up to the dark room we were in. I was facing the hallway we came from and there was light in the hallway, enough that I could see him in front of me.
Jesus knelt down on one knee looking into my eyes. He said, gently but firmly, “You don’t belong down there, so don’t go down there anymore.” He stood back up and we walked back up the hallway. I could see he was wearing a white robe with a red sash over it and he was holding my hand. I was still a small child. Then we both disappeared through a wall and were suddenly climbing a huge rope net to the top of a tall gray cliff. When we got to the top of the cliff landing, we jumped down, way far down. We were mid-air and he grabbed me and held me close as we hit the water. I was clinging to him, we both went under and came up above the water. I remember looking at his wet hair as he was holding me. And for a split second, I had a flash back of my dad holding me in our pool when I was a little girl. And I felt so special and loved.
We both got out and climbed onto the rock ledge of a huge bolder rock and he said, “This is where you belong.” I looked around, there was this beautiful waterfall and huge trees canopying above us. We were far deep into the woods somewhere. The weather was perfect and I just remember it being so quiet. I looked at us and noticed were both dry again and I was my adult age again. I laid my head on his lap. My body was laying on the large rock we were on and my knees were up. I was looking up at Jesus; his face was a perception. I could not yet see him in detail but I noticed he was holding a chocolate candy bar and had just taken a bite. I could see the caramel on the inside as he pulled it away from his mouth. I was perplexed, this was not something I was expecting to see. I said, “Are you eating a candy bar?” I paused a moment and asked myself if this was real… I asked him again, I said, “Are you eating a candy bar?” He said, “Yes, I am.” I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I can.” I stared at him for a moment and then erupted in laughter and then he started laughing.
I laid there with my head on his lap, trying to focus on his face. He leaned his head down toward me and I heard him say, “Can you see me?” I said, “Kind of.” I could see his hair, but when I tried to see his face, it was almost blurry. I said, “I can’t focus on your face. Jesus, let me see your face. Let me see your face! Let me see it clearly!”
As I laid there, I still couldn’t see his face clearly but I said, “Jesus, thank you so much for hanging out with me and talking to me here in such a beautiful place.” I saw that I was eating a candy bar too. And I laughed. It was so refreshing to be there with him, it was so quiet and peaceful. Again I tried to focus on his face as I was laying on him. I said, “Jesus, let me see your face. Let me see your eyes.” But I couldn’t.
I then asked him, “Lord, what about this house? Can I get it this week?” [Pause… During this time of my life, I had been house hunting, but when the Lord responded in this moment, he replied not speaking of the house I was searching for in the natural, but about a different house. The one I had been searching for inside of me. In the moment, I was not yet aware of this.] “Can I get one this week?” I asked him. All different pieces of houses I had looked at flashed through my mind in an instant and he said, “You have looked at all different kinds of houses, but I have one for you.”
Suddenly we were sitting on a wooden porch swing. He said, “Can you see yourself at your house?” I said, “No.” He said, “Can you see me?” I said, “I can see your right arm.” He said, “You must be able to see yourself and me at your house before you can receive it and own it.” Then he said, “Where am I now?” Then I saw Jesus walk through the front door and into the living room. I said, “I see you in the living room.” I began speaking what I saw, “I see you in the kitchen. I see you in my bed bedroom. I see you in my bathroom. I see you in Skye’s room. I see you in Skye’s bathroom. I see you in the guest room. I see you in the guest bathroom.” Then he walked back up the hallway into the kitchen where the table was and out the sliding glass door onto the deck. He stood in the back yard and his arms were wide open, to either side of him. He walked towards the hammock and laid in it, but I still could not see him very well. Then he walked back toward the back porch step where I was sitting. He sat next to me and put his arm around me. He said, “Now, you have received the house. And I am in every room.”
After this encounter, everyday I would lay Skye down for a nap, my heart would be racing as I would think, I wonder what Jesus wants to talk to me about today; I wonder what he is going to show me. I would spend 3 hours during Skye’s nap in the Lord’s presence. After a few weeks into this, I quit my home business so I could spend another 3-4 hours with the Lord after Skye went to bed at night. Day after day, year after year, I recorded thousands of pages of encounters with him. And one by one, we removed the nails out of the boards of judgment I had nailed over the windows of my house. We began exploring all the different rooms in my heart, turning on lights as we would go through the dark nights and I let him back into every room.
He didn’t have to, but he worked to earn back my trust. I felt his presence in my closet waiting for me everyday as I would walk in and close the door. He was longing to be with me. He grieved with me as we would revisit deep, gaping wounds that no one else knew about. When I was terrified to confront the voices that had tormented me for years, he was the voice that kept whispering,“you can do it, I believe in you; you’re so brave.” He was in the people he put by my side, that loved me faithfully along the way and believed this God I was experiencing was real. It took me showing up, it cost me everything I had to give, and some days I was angry at him, because I couldn’t see past the boards of judgment I had nailed over the windows in my house. It took all the courage I had to dig into the most vulnerable, dangerous, raw, wounded places within me and allow him to honestly confront them with his healing light. I am finally coming to the end of an almost 3 year radical adventure with him, as we are stepping into a brand new adventure– one where I get to live in a house full of power, and full of light.
Hey friends! I have been receiving messages from people who want to sow into what the Lord has been doing in my life, and Skye’s life on our journey out here in Redding. Others have messaged me who have been really moved by what the Lord is doing through Adventures with Holy Spirit and also asked how they can give. I decided to set up a give page. If this is something you are interested in, click here! Thank you so much. Blessings and Shalom to you and your family!!